you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
