i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
