Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize