If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
