Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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