Already got asked if we're dating
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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