I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize