UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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