Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
