oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
