he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
