The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
