Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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