don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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