I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
