I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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