i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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