I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
