she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sext me about skeletons
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
