I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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