I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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