Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
