just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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