You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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