I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize