Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
