that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
