omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
