Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize