Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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