So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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