You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
