I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
