I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
