Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
