By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And my parents said I crawled through the house
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
