I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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