Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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