She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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