I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
