I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i now understand why vodka
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
