another moral hangover. fuck.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
