If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
