textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
