I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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