i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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