thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
