I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
