yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just gargled with NyQuil
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
