WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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