I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
