I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
