There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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