just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
