none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
