i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
did i walk over a car last night?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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