all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
