sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize