I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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